Cold Tread

Christmas has come and gone. And it didn't feel much like Christmas. Probably due to me being older and also the dramatic change in friends in the last 6 months.

One late night previous of Christmas (probably on Festivus), I took a cold tread home from a friend's house. It was quiet. I didn't spend a lot of time thinking on that walk as much as I focused on getting home and out of the cold. But the memory I have of that walk lingers in my mind. And so, last night and some of today, I finally worked on a song to express my feelings for that particular moment in time. It's title is the same as this journal entry.

So life is what it is. Something I'm still not all over yet. I'm still here... just wasting my time. Something hasn't turned on yet. I'm aware of what I am doing and what I want to accomplish. I have no reason to hold back. It's like a switch is missing.

Time seems like it's endless, yet also running out.

And as time continues, I miss the past even more than ever.

Every day is a good day. Because when tomorrow comes, yesterday gets better. Even if it sucks now, I'll miss it later. I'll complain and complain... and then I'll miss the days I used to complain about.

I guess right now I really don't know what feelings I'm trying to get out. I'm obviously unsatisfied in my life right now, but also a bit confused. About people, goals, the future, and what to do or where to go. All these are huge things that need to be taken care of. But can you blame me if I feel like watching TV, playing a game, calling a friend, or even taking a walk may help me pull myself together? These are, by the way, the unproductive things I don't even like. Yet I feel like being distracted right now.

I might as well close it here. Because I just can't think of what to say anymore. Regardless of how I feel or where I'm at in life... I will never stop making music. No matter how pointless or important it is to the world.

23

For some odd reason I'm staying up when I have nothing else better to do besides sleep. I guess it just doesn't feel like a Tuesday night.

So I'll be 23 soon. And I care.. against that. Not really interested in being 23. Getting older isn't really good news to me. I guess the older I get, the more seriously people will take me. But life lasts only so long. and as I age, it seems my window of opportunity shrinks.

So how exactly am I supposed to take full advantage of being 23? What is it that 23-year-olds do that I can relate to? I don't know. I really don't. Everything seems so overrated. I feel that the people around me are actually lost in life. They go after things that seem to be unfulfillable or end up confused and diminished. They tell me I should do this or that... why? I've done things in my past that the others around me have done and not be satisfied. I don't find certain things fun that others do, or desire things enough to have an excuse to be stupid. Even though I don't feel like I'm actually smart..

As for me, I feel that I am not lost. I feel like... I am just confused as to how to progress. I know what I want. I just don't know how to get there.

As an artist, things seem to go best when they happen by result of my nature. I've learned other people's opinions wont change any of this. They just get in the way sometimes and I tend to trip over them. I seem to progress on my own time better, so I hope to tune out these opinions. Writing that seemed so ignorant. But it's really not...

There is something about these retro video game songs, japanese rock, and anime music that just makes the world a better place for me. I think I'm almost fully there now - near the point of completely embracing my love for this music. They are my true roots. I have no shame. The only reason I would have shame for it would have to be me being afraid of what other people think. And I don't care now! Because I've come to understand people who judge my musical taste are opinionated and/or ignorant. They either have bad taste (my opinion), no taste, or are "laughers" (as I described in a previous blog) or... blanks. People who are blank, plain, brainwashed by society, uncreative, etc. There. Laughers and blanks will make fun of me. And just plain haters as well.

On top of the stories I've worked on that are collecting dust... I think I need to eventually write a book about some of the subjects I've discussed. Once all my opinions and info are collected, if I can develop a productive reason for writing a book, i will write one.

What Is Life?

I let my dog go outside for a bit. I let her back in and she goes to the cabinet, meaning she wants a treat. But I had nothing to give her.

I opened the fridge and looked, but there wasn't much I could think of to give her. She followed me there.

I picked her up and carried her in my arms. I felt bad that I could not give her anything at the moment. Then I looked at her and questioned everything instantly.

What is life? Is it a joke?

That's running through my mind. For some reason my exact thoughts were those words. It's scary when I start to think things like this. Mostly I just continue on with what is expected and supposed to be. Then, something triggers a fear and I cannot erase it. Just avoid it and cover it up temporarily.

The sad thing is, no one's words will answer my question. No one can enlighten me. Because everyone's answer is just an opinion. And no one will ever understand how I feel about my question.

Questions that can never be answered while I gradually fear them more and more as time endlessly goes on. Time is something I can never stop. Time goes on with or without me.