7:09

Everything feels so screwed up

I have you, but not like I used to

You have me, but I'm farther away

Tension was rising

It all came to a head

I want to start over and redo it all

But I want back what I had before

Overall, we both want the same

But better

So much on my mind about how this is going

It's hard to think about or plan anything else

The connections I have mean more than ever

I am afraid of losing more

I have always been afraid of change

Please open back up to love

Please take care of yourself

Please forgive me

All we have is this chance

Books I Never Read

All the books I've ever had

I never have them

Because I never read them

I'm always handing them out to friends or family

I'm always trying to help other people

It's never for me

But it's always about me

And when the pressure is on me

I need help

Fear of Change

Maybe everything has been the same forever

Maybe these thoughts are re-thoughts, and I forgot

Maybe I'm not actually grown at all

I don't want to feel captured by your influence anymore

There has to be another way to live and stay afloat

I'm scared to be alone, but I'm scared to stay here

I want to for once be in control of my success

I can't allow you to hold the reigns of my destiny any longer

When I said goodbye once, I shouldn't have lied

You didn't deserve me when at my highest generosity

I refuse to stay on the bottom of your heel

When I can finally admit I deserve a chance to swing back

hopeless dreams

I wish that the birthday wish I make every year for the last 15+ years would actually come true this year.

Again

Oh how I've lost my way. And it seems that I never had it to begin with. Yet, I feel like I did and I let it go out of stupidity. Who was I supposed to be back in that time?

All I can think of is how I've lost my way and I'm losing more, the more I think about it. Gotta do something, but all I do is dwell. It's a waste of time, a cursed spell. Something straight out of a story with magic, curses, and monsters. I'm nothing special.

I just keep getting older and less experienced in the things that seem to matter. Once I gather myself and come to understand one thing, it's irrelevant. Time is passing, but I'm not aging in my mind. I have useless wisdom and I'm selling it for free.

Come to think of it, losing my way is the only consistent aspect of my life. Writing about it is another. Dreaming about it, another. Being this character in general is killing me sometimes. I don't want to be who I am if this is it. I need to start over, fresh, in another city, another land. This land isn't working out for me. Maybe another will be a catalyst for brighter days.

Worry plagues my mind, from all sides. No one's in my head, no one can understand. You have your own concerns, thoughts, and comparisons to make. But my pain is my own, and the only one who can save me is myself. But still, I won't do it.

Current Life Goals

There's a lot of things I want in life. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make those goals happen before the end of my life.

My goals:

• Complete Cerulean Times - the first album of Spinscythe.
  
• Reboot and revamp Warz & Battlez - my first webcomic.
  
• Finish my novel.
  
• Excel Spinscythe and its various projects to the point of recognition and success.
  
• Complete the Johnny Shines Lyric Atheneum - This one isn't for me. It's for Johnny Shines. He's the bluesman who changed my life for the best and I want everyone to know about his existence. I want people to understand how I feel when I hear his blues. I doubt I can ever transfer that feeling to anyone else, but in the very least I can provide a free service where people can gain more insight on his art. In time, his art will just shine more and more. He may be gone from this world, but his art lives on forever and no one can take that away from him.
  
• Buy a house - I really, really want to own a house one day. I want my own space where I can thrive and work on art for the rest of my days. My music, my stories, my character design, my game ideas; this is all I want out of life. I just want the ability to work on these things, even if it brings me nothing but hardships. Without my passion, I don't see any value in my life.
  
• Finish my secret manga project - In the attic of my mind I have been developing concepts for an American-made manga I wish to produce.
  
• Create a cartoon - Humor is something I can't live without and I want to create the funniest cartoon ever imagined. I know this is going to be a tough one, but I want to do it.
  
• Create an anime - Probably based off of one of my webcomic ideas or my secret manga project.
  
• Beat Super Mario World on SNES.
  
• Collect the Johnny Shines discography.
  
• Produce more content for my various blogs, especially A Minney Post, and to be consistent with it.
  
• Travel to Ireland, Sweden, Britain, and Japan.
  
• Create my own philosophy and wisdom in book form.
  
• Write and produce a comedy film.
  
• Write and produce a fantasy/sci-fi film like no other. Break the tropes, cut the romance, destroy the Hollywoodization of story concepts.
  
• Make enough money so that I may live my life in peace.
  
• Provide for my family and friends so that they may have comfortable lives.
  
• Provide the greatest life I can for my dog and to always have a dog by my side for the rest of my days.
  
• Bring back my visual art projects, like my DeviantArt.
  
• Learn to paint. But also, learn to paint like Francisco Goya.

Resistance is an Ally

Forced forgiveness is just another form of dominance. Submitting to the people out of shame is a failure to oneself. To stand by your own word represents the spirit of humanity.

My nature leads me down a path of uncertainty. Without my nature, I don't exist.